Kenya

+18 please! Read this story and never look at a LADY and create a mental picture of what’s down there.

I don’t know what you were told.

Especially when you were migrating from
childhood to adulthood; I mean that period of adolescence when we were learning
adult content.

But this is what me and my crew were told.

That the mouth of a lady has a direct
correlation with the size of her p**sy. That if a lady has a small mouth then
her vagina is smaller than Duale’s brain.

If her mouth is like that of Uhunye then
expect down there to be an abandoned quarry where all corrupt politicians in
this country can be dumped na nafasi ibaki.

We believed it. Every time I met a lady,
I’d look at her mouth and create a mental picture of what’s down there.

Then one day I met some girl with a mouth
as small as Wetangula’s chances of becoming president. Guess what? You’re right
folk! I knew downstairs is the same size.

Without wasting time, I abducted the girl
and flung her into my friend’s simba. I then started studying her carnal
knowledge with the precision of a surgeon.

I was misled. When I deposited mjulumbeng I
thought the nigga was still outside. Nop! It was ndaaani ndani yani ndani but
couldn’t hit where it hurts. Folks, that was a borehole. 

Don’t judge a book by
its cover.

And before I end the bulletin.

To learn another language, one starts by
learning basic greetings then next is learning the names of the private parts
and how to ask for it. Like I’m not fluent in Kikuyu but I know that Keino
isn’t just a runner. It means something else.

I don’t know Kiluhya but I know basic
greetings and how to ask for the cookie jar. I love Kisiis and Meru, I don’t
know the language but I know the name of that thing and how to ask for it.

We have Kikuyus who can’t spell one Luo
word but the scoundrels know how to greet in Dholuo and how to ask for that “hairy rodent” in fluent Luo.

Uh!

By JIM BONNIE

The Nairobian
Columnist